A lot of people have asked me about my love life, and are shocked to find out that I haven't had a boyfriend in about 6 years. I sometimes am made to feel like this is BAD thing. My family is constantly saying "you need to go out and meet someone" or friends try to hook me up with men and are frustrated when i'm not interested. Let me explain something to you, so you have a better understanding of where I'm at in my life...
I have always been an insecure person. That being said, when I started gaining weight 6 years ago I just became more and more obsessed with how I looked and how terrible I felt. Hating myself became a constant thing, which led me to gain more weight and make poor decisions. I often thought about love and how I wished that it would come along for me one day soon. It never did... because, even though I didn't know it at the time, I was "unavailable".
I've spent the last 6 years fighting for self worth. Last summer I lost 30 pounds and it was amazing how quickly my inner and outer transformation took effect. I felt confident... for the first time EVER. I wasn't even at my goal weight, but I was so proud of myself for being able to accomplish something that I have struggled with for so long. For the first time in a long time I felt "available" and ready to meet that right guy, because I felt like if I found someone now it wouldn't make me feel like I was settling. I went on a few dates with some good and not-so-good guys. Nothing felt right, and then I started gaining weight again...
Being overweight has held me back from a lot of things. I know it probably shouldn't, and I might have an extremely unhealthy view of myself, but I acknowledge that and try to remind myself that who I am on the outside shouldn't define my entire life. However, I need to feel good about myself and losing weight will definitely help me get to a good place.
So, here's why I haven't had a boyfriend in 6 years... I don't want one. I don't want to settle for someone because I feel bad about myself. I have seen too many people settle and then end up miserable because they just didn't want to be alone. That's not going to be me.
Here I am now... 12 pounds down and back on the road to feeling good and confident. I'm hopeful that it will stick this time and that I will finally be able to move on with my life. Maybe I will meet the man for me, but until then I am perfectly content in waiting.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Saturday, August 13, 2011
dream
So recently I have been obsessing over getting to LA, and thinking if I just saved up a few thousand dollars I could go there without a job and hopefully find one within a couple months. This is what my subconscious did with that...
My dream started out pretty realistic. It was about me and 20 something people in a competition for 4 million dollars and an engagement ring (which seems pretty weird to just get and engagement ring without a man as well, haha). I don't quite remember the tasks leading up to the final task, but the final task brought us down to 4 people. Me, 2 other girls, and 1 guy. The final task was an 8 mile run in interesting scenery. The run started in like a desert type area, throughout the whole competition it was 1 girl in the lead, me and 1 girl running together and talking, and the dude was last (take that boys). Half way through we had break time, where we stopped at a river and we all discussed what we would do with the 4 million dollars. The guy had laid down, and when it was time to run again he didn't wake up... so obviously he lost. We reached a windy dirt road that was all up hill. There was a river beside the road that was apparently rising with us... I remember passing what looked like a castle, but it ended up being a very pricey hotel.
As we got close to the end I remember thinking "ok, it's time to push it... the lead girl isn't that far ahead". I told the girl that was running with me that if she let me win, I would split the money with her. So this is where it started getting weird... all the sudden we're in like go carts or something in this city but they are like Flinstones cars where you have to use your feet to move them. So the I start catching up to the girl in the lead and she grabs the engagement ring thats on this table thing and you cant win without having the engagement ring. So I start feeling discouraged when suddenly... she spins out and the ring flies in the air and, get this... lands in ring shop... haha. The search was pretty easy though, I just found where the broken glass was and picked up the ring. So I finish the race with the ring in hand.... YES, I WON!!!!
I go inside to claim my prize and be congratulated... but ohhh wait a minute. The check my parents had written to the company having the competition didn't go through so they tried to tell me I didn't qualify to win the prize. I told them they could take the cost out of the 4million I won. .. so they said it would take up to 4 weeks to make a decision and that until they did I had to wait there... at this extremely creepy hotel that looked like if Hell were to have a hotel, this is what it would like. Not joking... to get to your room, which was basically a cave, you had to walk across a bridge, and underneath you was fire.
But this is where my brain started getting really crazy. A giant basilisk, that's right HP fans, comes out. Apparently they think I need to prove myself even further. This basilisk is easy enough to defeat, having seen Harry Potter do it. Of course, stab it in the brain with the sword of gryffindor, lol. So that's done... and I start walking across the bridge to my room and underneath me is fire AND what looks like giant pizzas with mouths... thats right... if you fall off the bridge you will be eaten by a giant pizza. SO I made sure not to fall. The dream ended with me falling asleep in my cave, never finding out if I got to keep my winnings or not.
My brain is a FREAK!!!
My dream started out pretty realistic. It was about me and 20 something people in a competition for 4 million dollars and an engagement ring (which seems pretty weird to just get and engagement ring without a man as well, haha). I don't quite remember the tasks leading up to the final task, but the final task brought us down to 4 people. Me, 2 other girls, and 1 guy. The final task was an 8 mile run in interesting scenery. The run started in like a desert type area, throughout the whole competition it was 1 girl in the lead, me and 1 girl running together and talking, and the dude was last (take that boys). Half way through we had break time, where we stopped at a river and we all discussed what we would do with the 4 million dollars. The guy had laid down, and when it was time to run again he didn't wake up... so obviously he lost. We reached a windy dirt road that was all up hill. There was a river beside the road that was apparently rising with us... I remember passing what looked like a castle, but it ended up being a very pricey hotel.
As we got close to the end I remember thinking "ok, it's time to push it... the lead girl isn't that far ahead". I told the girl that was running with me that if she let me win, I would split the money with her. So this is where it started getting weird... all the sudden we're in like go carts or something in this city but they are like Flinstones cars where you have to use your feet to move them. So the I start catching up to the girl in the lead and she grabs the engagement ring thats on this table thing and you cant win without having the engagement ring. So I start feeling discouraged when suddenly... she spins out and the ring flies in the air and, get this... lands in ring shop... haha. The search was pretty easy though, I just found where the broken glass was and picked up the ring. So I finish the race with the ring in hand.... YES, I WON!!!!
I go inside to claim my prize and be congratulated... but ohhh wait a minute. The check my parents had written to the company having the competition didn't go through so they tried to tell me I didn't qualify to win the prize. I told them they could take the cost out of the 4million I won. .. so they said it would take up to 4 weeks to make a decision and that until they did I had to wait there... at this extremely creepy hotel that looked like if Hell were to have a hotel, this is what it would like. Not joking... to get to your room, which was basically a cave, you had to walk across a bridge, and underneath you was fire.
But this is where my brain started getting really crazy. A giant basilisk, that's right HP fans, comes out. Apparently they think I need to prove myself even further. This basilisk is easy enough to defeat, having seen Harry Potter do it. Of course, stab it in the brain with the sword of gryffindor, lol. So that's done... and I start walking across the bridge to my room and underneath me is fire AND what looks like giant pizzas with mouths... thats right... if you fall off the bridge you will be eaten by a giant pizza. SO I made sure not to fall. The dream ended with me falling asleep in my cave, never finding out if I got to keep my winnings or not.
My brain is a FREAK!!!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
I Don't Understand...
Well I kind of do understand, but I don't think it's fair. But I guess life isn't fair, right?
I hate that I never get invited to anything within my group of friends. Or I guess it's my old group of friends since we rarely ever do anything together anymore. I'll admit to being the original reason why we all stopped hanging out. But I have made an effort over the years to show that I still love everyone and want to be part of the group again. I have apologized for being absent for a period of time when I wasn't quite myself and was feeling low.
Has anything changed? Nope. As everyone has gotten married and started relationships some of us single people have been forgotten. Unless you're Taylor and can be gone for half a year and come back and still be invited to everything. WTF?? Or a brother of one of the people in the group.
It's really hurtful, and I'm tired of almost feeling looked down on because I'm not MARRIED, or on my way there.
The people who do make an effort to invite me, and make me feel loved are all that should matter. Right?
I hate that I never get invited to anything within my group of friends. Or I guess it's my old group of friends since we rarely ever do anything together anymore. I'll admit to being the original reason why we all stopped hanging out. But I have made an effort over the years to show that I still love everyone and want to be part of the group again. I have apologized for being absent for a period of time when I wasn't quite myself and was feeling low.
Has anything changed? Nope. As everyone has gotten married and started relationships some of us single people have been forgotten. Unless you're Taylor and can be gone for half a year and come back and still be invited to everything. WTF?? Or a brother of one of the people in the group.
It's really hurtful, and I'm tired of almost feeling looked down on because I'm not MARRIED, or on my way there.
The people who do make an effort to invite me, and make me feel loved are all that should matter. Right?
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Crazy dream
I had this weird dream last night. I'm in a sleep and dreams class right now, so I found this one to be worthy of sharing.
So, have you ever seen Camelot, Camelot? There is simply not a more congenial spot? have you heard the story? Guinevere falls in love with King Arthur... they live happily for a certain amount of years. Then Lancelot shows up to be one of the knights of the round table, and Guinevere is like "dude, this guys hot". So she ends up falling in love with him... la la la.
Well imagine the story of Camelot in like... India. That's my dream. So I'm and Indian version of Guinevere and I fall in love with the king many many years ago. We've been married for a while, and then along comes Indian version of Lancelot. I fall in love with him, and decide i need to be with him. My father, who happens to be a prophet of some sort, decides we need to do this ritual to find out if "The Gods" are ok with it.
The ritual is this weird sort of dance. My dad and I start dancing around in this storm, and then he stops. And starts dragging me into the palace.
"What are you doing dad?"
"The Gods are not happy with your choice."
"How can you tell?"
"I smell it on my breath"
Ok, I know my brain is so weird. Anyways, my dad stands me between the two men. The one I love, and the one I used to love. I am holding both of their hands and the lightning starts coming into the palace. I'm crying because I already know the answer. Then the lightning spells out the name of Arthur (But it was some Indian name I dont remember).
SO, here's where my dreams takes a crazy twist. I'm in class, but i'm not me anymore. I'm a dude, that is sitting next to me. So me as this dude, is talking to me who is not me anymore. Get it? Girl me says "The Gods must be angry because the storm is crazy today". Then dude me (the one I am seeing through) says "Of course the Gods are angry, you made them angry".
Then, money starts falling out of the sky. Quarters. One hits me in the head, and I wake up (In my dream I wake up). Im still a dude, and the guys in my class had been throwing quarters at my head. One guy said.
"Why are you sitting with the girls, are you a hunter or gatherer?"
"Oh yeah, right.."
So it was like a dream, in a dream.
CRAZY!
So, have you ever seen Camelot, Camelot? There is simply not a more congenial spot? have you heard the story? Guinevere falls in love with King Arthur... they live happily for a certain amount of years. Then Lancelot shows up to be one of the knights of the round table, and Guinevere is like "dude, this guys hot". So she ends up falling in love with him... la la la.
Well imagine the story of Camelot in like... India. That's my dream. So I'm and Indian version of Guinevere and I fall in love with the king many many years ago. We've been married for a while, and then along comes Indian version of Lancelot. I fall in love with him, and decide i need to be with him. My father, who happens to be a prophet of some sort, decides we need to do this ritual to find out if "The Gods" are ok with it.
The ritual is this weird sort of dance. My dad and I start dancing around in this storm, and then he stops. And starts dragging me into the palace.
"What are you doing dad?"
"The Gods are not happy with your choice."
"How can you tell?"
"I smell it on my breath"
Ok, I know my brain is so weird. Anyways, my dad stands me between the two men. The one I love, and the one I used to love. I am holding both of their hands and the lightning starts coming into the palace. I'm crying because I already know the answer. Then the lightning spells out the name of Arthur (But it was some Indian name I dont remember).
SO, here's where my dreams takes a crazy twist. I'm in class, but i'm not me anymore. I'm a dude, that is sitting next to me. So me as this dude, is talking to me who is not me anymore. Get it? Girl me says "The Gods must be angry because the storm is crazy today". Then dude me (the one I am seeing through) says "Of course the Gods are angry, you made them angry".
Then, money starts falling out of the sky. Quarters. One hits me in the head, and I wake up (In my dream I wake up). Im still a dude, and the guys in my class had been throwing quarters at my head. One guy said.
"Why are you sitting with the girls, are you a hunter or gatherer?"
"Oh yeah, right.."
So it was like a dream, in a dream.
CRAZY!
Saturday, April 3, 2010
There are places i'll remember...
So this is really random but I had this Thailand memory today that I wanted to share with you.
We were all on a train. I forget where we were headed, but it was a full train so we all had to sit scattered around and sitting by strangers. I was sitting by a young Thai woman, and at first she seemed uncomfortable sitting by me. We sat a good 30 minutes staring in opposite directions and not making a sound. I started to feel hungry so when one of the food sellers on the train walked by I bought a bag of chips. I started eating and noticed that the Thai woman was staring at them, so I offered her some. She shook her head with a smile and turned to look out the window again.
Later in the train ride a person with fruit for sale walked by and the woman I was sitting by bought this weird looking fruit I had never seen before. It looked like it would be difficult to open but she had no problem with it. I turned to look around for people I knew on the train, when I felt her tap my shoulder. She had cut the fruit in half and was offering me half of it. I felt so happy in that moment. I shook my head and smiled the same as she did, and we both giggled and started communicating in hand gestures and objects.
The rest of the train ride was really neat and I showed her pictures in my Thailand book of places we were going and places we had been. She was really sweet and I loved sharing the ride with her.
That is one of my very favorite memories.
We were all on a train. I forget where we were headed, but it was a full train so we all had to sit scattered around and sitting by strangers. I was sitting by a young Thai woman, and at first she seemed uncomfortable sitting by me. We sat a good 30 minutes staring in opposite directions and not making a sound. I started to feel hungry so when one of the food sellers on the train walked by I bought a bag of chips. I started eating and noticed that the Thai woman was staring at them, so I offered her some. She shook her head with a smile and turned to look out the window again.
Later in the train ride a person with fruit for sale walked by and the woman I was sitting by bought this weird looking fruit I had never seen before. It looked like it would be difficult to open but she had no problem with it. I turned to look around for people I knew on the train, when I felt her tap my shoulder. She had cut the fruit in half and was offering me half of it. I felt so happy in that moment. I shook my head and smiled the same as she did, and we both giggled and started communicating in hand gestures and objects.
The rest of the train ride was really neat and I showed her pictures in my Thailand book of places we were going and places we had been. She was really sweet and I loved sharing the ride with her.
That is one of my very favorite memories.
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